In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
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Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
for all #parents out there
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?