[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity