Almost forgotβ¦πππππ
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him heβs wrong and you are positive their names are βBatman and Robertβ.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
If you say βitβs twelve noon,β I assume you eat cow beef and didnβt do well at education school
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
[Bushβs Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh Iβm waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.