—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The struggle is real
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.