where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
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Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?