oh no, steve’s working tonight
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WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
When your man makes a valid point
Oh my god
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.