How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower