If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
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[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
so, is there a mister shapen head
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.