Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
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No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
you gotta be faster
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.