“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
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I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Comparing yourself to others
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”