I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I’m pretty like a car crash.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.