3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
You Might Also Like
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Merry Christmas
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*