Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Not all heroes wear capes….
Mountain Goat : )
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents