Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name