My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
“no gods no masters” = leo
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?