waiting for halloween be like:
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha