There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*