Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
Don’t we all.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
#winning
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.