One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
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We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.