I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
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[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..