“no gods no masters” = leo
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I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
This is my favorite one of these!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.