The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
You Might Also Like
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Body by cheese-puffs.