If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
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there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund