I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
You Might Also Like
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes