When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Very good! 👍😂
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”