Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Best table by far
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
#parenting
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.