Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
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My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
“I wouldn’t.”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
are there any atheist mantises?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.