No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
You Might Also Like
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it