Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Social distancing in Australia:
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
At least my masseuse has my back.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”