Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
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Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*