“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
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*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Get off my horse you stupid moon
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
wait.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.