Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
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My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
When can I start eating bats again.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.