When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m already scared
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.