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I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center