I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
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Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Every BBC series about the universe.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.