Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
So the ex texted me
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Noted.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.