[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Happy Taco Tuesday
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
me: my friends:
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times