Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.