I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
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Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?