Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.