Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Yep.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
My life in a nutshell
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.