Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
ouch
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”