Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
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“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
this came to me in a vision
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Haha good job!!
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie