Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
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My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.