Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
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Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I want this so bad
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people