When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
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Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
“How’s your day going?”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Two types of dogs.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.