“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My life coach traded me.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
starting a garage orchestra
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
*seductively eats two tums*
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.