if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.