3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
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[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Hard not to take this personally
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
#parenting
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
that colleague who touches your screen
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym