As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
You Might Also Like
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know